Friday, March 19, 2010


After being drowned in piles of work over the past month, I found little reason to frequent my own blog. But that all changed when I stumbled across this little gem of information. Miley Cyrus is quitting music.

As I hear you scream out loud with delight, I must sugest that you refrain from letting out your feelings of ecstasy too soon. Miss Montana stated that she is going to quit the music industry but only after her next excuse for an album and perhaps only temporarily. But that is reason enough to celebrate for now. Think back to the days of the mid-2000s where Disney stars consisted of Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake. That time is nearing the corner yet again, so break out your party hats people cus its about to get wild in here in celebration of the downfall of Disney.

Miss Cyrus claims that "The more I make music that doesn't truly inspire me, the more I feel like I'm blending in with everyone else". I couldn't have said it better myself. Actually I can. You make terrible music -> tweens nad sororities listen to your terrible music -> demand for terrible music increases -> more terrible music is made. Demand and Supply. Go to university Miley. Or even high school. Or even under a rock would suffice.

My only suggestions to Miss Cyrus are: quit while you're ahead (you're not but plase take that gold nugget of advice and bank it) and quit being famous. Just stop. Quit your sad excuse for television shows, movies, whatever. Just quit. I don't care how you do it, just do it. Do. It.

Break out the Everclear cus its party time. And don't play Party in the U.S.A. Ever.

Until next time

Monday, February 8, 2010

Super Bowl

As Twitter, Facebook and the rest of the blogging world (Myspace, what's that?) fill up with news of the Super Bowl, I'm going to make like a sheep and follow.

The Indianapolis Colts dominated the first quarter, strong on defense and aggressive on the offense. The Colts opened the scoring, with Matt Stover, the oldest ever Super Bowl player, kicking a field goal to put the Colts three up. With 36 seconds left on the clock in the first quarter, Manning threw a 19 yard pass, straight into the waiting hands of a double-covered Pierre Garcon. With the 2 point PAT kick good, the Colts were up 10-0 at the quarter.

Its seemed as though my predictions were to become true. My head said Colts but my heart said Saints. After a Colts dominated first quarter, the Saints looked like they were never going to recover. The second quarter brought the Saints two field goals, bringing the score to 10-6, with the Colts dominance fading.

I don't know what happened in the locker-room at half-time, I was too busy watching The Who, but the Saints came out roaring after half-time. After recovering the onside kick, the Saints dominated the game, scoring a touchdown, leading the game 13-10. The lead then changed hands back to the Colts yet again, but the momentum from the Saints was undeniable, and they were soon back on top.

The final quarter was an all Saints affair. Scoring two touchdowns, one of them an intercept from a Manning pass. The Saints convincingly won the game, 31-17.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Student Night

Every town or city has one. Its the midweek night when bars and clubs throughout drop their prices lower than the ratings for The Jay Leno Show, to drag in the gullible local students. And they come in droves, sucking down the cheap pitchers of nasty beer like it's their oxygen. But at least you don't feel too guilty, because who can refuse $2 shots of Jose Cuervo. It's like going grocery shopping: you only get what's on sale, not what you actually need.

I'm here to guide you through your way to a successful Student Night and hopefully dispel the inevitable "why did we do that" moment.

First of all, if you live anywhere near a college/university/kids-with-fake-ids then you're going to have a student night. And it is going to be packed, whether it's Orientation Week for the freshmen or finals for the seniors, you can guarantee that half of the university, along with the kids who got jobs and the one's holding fake ids, will be showing off their "best" moves. So ifwhen you hit the town, on your designated Student Night of course, prepared to be mobbed by some of the (questionably aged) sleaziest guys out there.

Secondly, always pre-game. Sure that shot of Cuervo may only be $2 but a shot is only 1.5 fl oz. But that bottle only costs $20 at the most, and makes enough for around 17 shots. That's saving you at least $14. And, hey, that makes more time for burning off those calories dancing, or taking kissy-face photos if you're of the female persuasion.

But, if you do decide to forgo my advice and purchase alcohol on site, make sure you have the correct change. Its packed in there and that cute bartender isn't going to bother fumbling around looking for your change in the dark, while customers get more riled up. No, they're keeping that extra $4 from you $10, and they're going to pretend that it never happened. Always bring correct change. and a small tip of course.

Lastly, always go with a group, especially if you're a female. How many times have you seen that guy who looks a little too old to be here, pulling off the wallflower pose while looking for his prey. Avoid this man at all costs. He's unshaven and no doubt carries every STD under the sky and then some. Hell, I've seen men in the 50s (no kidding) trying to pull off this routine. It's creepy as hell so avoid at all costs.

Another positive about going in a group (females) is think of all the photos you can take now. The look-away, the pouty lips, the middle-of-the-dancefloor etc. It also helps to dispel those creepy guys eying you up while you dance (see one and two). And guys, it's always easier to attract the opposite sex if your already dancing with one. So next time, bring along a group of friends, of both sexes, and you'll have a great time.

Follow my advice, drink responsibly, and you can't go wrong.

Until next time...

Sunday, January 31, 2010

Forget the Super Bowl

Unless you've been living under a rock for the past few weeks, or, say, overseas, then you would inevitably be aware that the Super Bowl is due in around a week. I even bothered to blog about it, and you just know that if I bother to blog about it, then it must be noteworthy.

All that aside, let's continue on with the genre of sport. About a week ago (yes, I'm a lazy blogger, get over it) a story hit the headlines about a Kansas basketball coach who made a seemingly impossible basket. In an attempt to repeat a prank performed on CollegeHumor, students at a local Kansas high school blindfolded the women's basketball coach and promised tickets to the NCAA Final Four, if he made the half-court shot. In a stroke of luck, the shot was sunk and the crowd went wild for Coach Branstorm.

Of course, there were no tickets to be spoken of. Feeling guilty, the students pooled together enough money to purchase a gift card to a local restaurant.

Back to the water-cooler topic at hand: the Indianapolis Colts and New Orlean Saints could both use a Branstorm on their team. Or a Flutie. Or, you know, a Manning.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

The Day the Nation Stops

It's nearly that time of year again folks. The day grown men cry tears of joy and happiness; the day people of all races, creeds or gender come together in solidarity against a common enemy. It is the only day of the year that you will see the streets of New York, Philadelphia or Dallas desertedand desolate. It is Super Bowl Sunday.

As the days push further into the new year, the nation quickly forgets the Christmases/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/New Year celebrations, to make way for the biggest day in American t.v. From mid-January (coinciding with the New Year Rule) the nation gradually becomes further and further obsessed with the national sport. The excitement becomes undeniably contagious during the days leading up to the conference playoffs. Water-cooler talk becomes more monopolized than North Korea.

It is such an important feature of the nation's psyche that it is classified as an National Security Event, subject to the same security measures as Presiden Brack Obama's Inauguration, or former-President Ronald Reagan's state funeral. And post-911 you just know you're chances of an rectal search just skyrocketed.

Then, on the first Sunday of February, the streets empty and the power bill goes through the roof. Welcome to the Super Bowl.

Close to 100 million people around the nation tune in to watch. Some for the sport, some for the half-time show, some for the eye candy and, increasingly, some for the ads.

It's the day that defines and fulfills the nation's love of sport, family and friends. Only mere days til the day the nation stops.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

And the Genre is...

As the New Year inches closer and closer slowly becomes more distant a memory with each passing day, I become slightly more guilty about neglecting my promised year-end lists. I've decided to make up for it by knocking off perhaps the most wide berthed list: The Genre of the Decade.

And unlike some of my other lists out there, this has no specific order due to the subjectiveness of music.

First off the list, it's one of my more favorite genres: Indie. It's a genre most commonly associated with snobby hipsters, who refuse to have anything to do with anything which is known by more than 50 people. I am the first to admit that there are those indie loving hipsters who are so committed to anything indie that they will snob anything that is mainstream. To them I say, go live in your skinny, strange colored jeans, because that's not what I'm celebrating.

Indie has brought us artists such as Vampire Weekend, White Lies, Wilco, Bon Iver etc. That's why indie makes it into the top 5.

While you ponder the wisdom of my decision, I'll leave you with a little sample from Vampire Weekend's latest album.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

New Year Ettiquette

Its the obligatory phrase that the world yells when the second hand hits the 12, and the year jumps forward. Its the phrase you hear for weeks after the big day, but just when is enough enough? When will the madness cease?

I must admit that I do get sick of hearing that casual phrase. I don't mind using it when i is applicable but February 8th is not New Years. I don't care if you haven't seen your friend since 2009 but you cannot still use that greeting. However, I admit that there is a significant grey area that needs to be addressed. Just when is using that phrase appropriate?

Today, I'm putting my foot down and defining the appropriate dates from which the phrase "Happy New Year" is applicable and acceptable to be used in conversation.

  • Any day after Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa
  • New Year's Eve
  • New Year's Day
Here's where it starts to get a little tricky. By all means, you can use the greeting in early January, but when is it too late to continue the trend? I say the first half of January is in the clear; greet to your heart's content. But what about after the 14th. I propose a grace period lasting around a few days. Using the greeting on th 15th is partially acceptable, the 16th passable and the 17th endurable.

So it's acceptable to use the phrasing on:
  • Up till, and including, January 14th
  • 15th, 16th and 17th but use is not encouraged

The 18th is the day that the the greeting is entering its redundant phase. On this day, expect to be looked at strangely when using the greeting. On the 19th expect a few more weird looks and a shake of the head or two. But on the 20th, you're dead wrong. Congratulations, you have entered the black zone.

It is never acceptable to use the greeting past this date. That is unless you have amnesia. Or want it...

So there we go folks. Spread this post to your friends and family, to outline to them the proper New Year greeting etiquette.