Sunday, January 3, 2010

Welcome back!

After nearly 2 months of absence from the blogosphere my non-existent following has most probably somehow managed to grow even smaller. So I guess I'm into negative numbers here. Nevertheless, welcome back and Happy New Year!

With the first decade of this millenia already out of the way, what is in store for us over the next year? More bad music, fame hogging wannabes, mysterious celebrity deaths? Well put your feet up because that's not what I'm going to be discussing today.

Instead, let's talk about New Year/New Year's Eve protocol. If you're like me, its the day before the biggest party night of the year/next year, and you have no firm plans. Sure there's Johnny's party, but what about Jordan's? But there's also Jamie's...

Just like Ohio you're the swing vote, with friends who are going to either of the parties telling you why "[Insert name here]'s party is going to be crazy". Well of course it's going to be an awesome party, it's NYE! You should be shot, gutted and hanged if you're hosting a boring NYE party.

Nevertheless, you fail to decide which party to attend because your best buddy Phil is going to Jamie's (because he's got a thing for her and New Year's is the perfect opportunity) but that Andrea, that one who got away, is going to Johnny's. 'Tis the curse of NYE.

Suddenly NYE hits, with you and a few other friends still undecided. Then out of nowhere, someone has the then brilliant idea of "Why don't we go to Johnny's, then Jordan's, then Jamie's. If the party sucks, we have an excuse and we can leave. Then we can go to the best one when midnight hits." But that's not how its going to turn out.

You'll plan to go to Johnny's first, at around 9. Stay for maybe 30-45 mins and then on to Jordan's. But here's what will really happen:

Its 8.25 pm and you're thinking "We should really get going now". So you call your friends who are doing the party-hop with you. You manage to get in contact with 2 out of the other 5 but figure that they must be getting ready. So you jump into the shower and 10 minutes later you've finished you're NYE transformation.

Its now 8.40 pm and you're feeling good. You try to contact your friends again, making contact with 2 of the 3 who didn't answer last time but unable to reach the others. The people who you do make contact with are still getting ready.

8.55 and you've only gotten back in contact with 1 more person, but you've yet to here anything from Jessie. The others haven't gotten back to you yet, so you send out a text message to your fellow party-hoppers saying "Leaving for Johnny's now. See you there".

Its 9.15 and you just arrived at Johnny's, albeit behind schedule. Tim, one of your good friends from college and a fellow party-hopper, comes in bumbling through the door a few minutes after you. After the obligatory "Hey! Happy new Year! How are you?"s are out of the way, and a drink or two, its already 9.35. None of your other friends who were supposed to party-hop with you have arrived. "We'll just wait another 5 minutes for them" you say to Tim, after trying to make contact with them yet again.

The 5 minutes tick by, with you glancing at the door so often that it looks like you have a tick. Just as you say your goodbyes (taking up valuable time) and are about to head out the door, Jules comes bursting through the door, already a bit tipsy.

"Hi! Happy New Year!" she says sloppily to you, while giving you a hug. You ask where everyone else is. It turns out 2 of them decided to skip Johnny's and go straight to Jordan's. All without telling you! That is, until you check your cell phone and realize that they sent you a text telling you the same thing 10 minutes ago. Cursing yourself, you ask Jules "What about Riley?". "Dunno" she manages to mumble before spotting someone else she knows and running off.

"We should wait for Riley" you say to Tim who nods in agreement. But 10 minutes pass and its already 9.50, yet you remain at the party waiting for Riley out of your years of friendship. Its 10.00 and there's no sign of Riley. "We can just skip Jordan's" you say to yourself, telling Tim the same, who agrees that you "can't ditch Riley!"

You head back into the thick of it and enjoy your last few hours of the decade. You soon forget about leaving to catch up the others, and its soon 11, with no sign of Riley. "He could be in a ditch somewhere" an inebriated Tim says to you, before both of you laugh it off. Precious time slips through your fingers and its soon the last half hour of the year. "We can still make it to Jamie's" Tim says to you. "Cool, gimme five minutes" you reply. "Sweet!" Time calls out before making his way through the crowd to catch up with an old high school friend.

All signs point to you never leaving, but you still insist that you're going to make it to Jamie's, even calling to reinforce the point directly to Jamie. But as we all know, you're never going to leave. You're going to spend you last few minutes here. The next day you wake up at noon in a drunken haze. You grab your phone to send an angry message to your friends who never turned up but see "15 new messages" glaring at you from your mobile. As you scroll through the messages (i.e. Where are you man!? or You at Jordan's yet?) you realize that your poor planning abilities have let you down yet again. Some were under the impression that it was Jordan's, Jamie's then Johnny's. Some thought it was Jordan's, Johnny's then Jamie's. And, like you, none of them could be bothered changing parties to find one another. As for Riley, he went to Jim's party, which you completely forgot about!

The conclusion: NEVER party-hop. It never fails to fail every time.

It's what I call the False Party Dilemma. If you have the choice of changing parties, you will consider these factors. Distance (D), cost (C), laziness (L), perceived fun/enjoyment (E) (including alcohol and/or other recreational drugs present), chance of sexual intimacy (S), friends attending (F) and ex-s present (Ex).

It is measured at the approximate values .8D + 1.8C + 1.6L + 1.8E + 5S + 1.1F + 1.0F = False Party Dilemma decision. As long as the party you are currently at outweighs the next best option, then you will stay where you are. Keep in mind that All of the variables are subjective, so Ex may be a positive or negative issue for different people.

Oh yeah, and unless its being held at a monastry, the present party will always win.

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