Student Night

Every town or city has one. Its the midweek night when bars and clubs throughout drop their prices lower than the ratings for The Jay Leno Show, to drag in the gullible local students. And they come in droves, sucking down the cheap pitchers of nasty beer like it's their oxygen. But at least you don't feel too guilty, because who can refuse $2 shots of Jose Cuervo. It's like going grocery shopping: you only get what's on sale, not what you actually need.

I'm here to guide you through your way to a successful Student Night and hopefully dispel the inevitable "why did we do that" moment.

First of all, if you live anywhere near a college/university/kids-with-fake-ids then you're going to have a student night. And it is going to be packed, whether it's Orientation Week for the freshmen or finals for the seniors, you can guarantee that half of the university, along with the kids who got jobs and the one's holding fake ids, will be showing off their "best" moves. So ifwhen you hit the town, on your designated Student Night of course, prepared to be mobbed by some of the (questionably aged) sleaziest guys out there.

Secondly, always pre-game. Sure that shot of Cuervo may only be $2 but a shot is only 1.5 fl oz. But that bottle only costs $20 at the most, and makes enough for around 17 shots. That's saving you at least $14. And, hey, that makes more time for burning off those calories dancing, or taking kissy-face photos if you're of the female persuasion.

But, if you do decide to forgo my advice and purchase alcohol on site, make sure you have the correct change. Its packed in there and that cute bartender isn't going to bother fumbling around looking for your change in the dark, while customers get more riled up. No, they're keeping that extra $4 from you $10, and they're going to pretend that it never happened. Always bring correct change. and a small tip of course.

Lastly, always go with a group, especially if you're a female. How many times have you seen that guy who looks a little too old to be here, pulling off the wallflower pose while looking for his prey. Avoid this man at all costs. He's unshaven and no doubt carries every STD under the sky and then some. Hell, I've seen men in the 50s (no kidding) trying to pull off this routine. It's creepy as hell so avoid at all costs.

Another positive about going in a group (females) is think of all the photos you can take now. The look-away, the pouty lips, the middle-of-the-dancefloor etc. It also helps to dispel those creepy guys eying you up while you dance (see one and two). And guys, it's always easier to attract the opposite sex if your already dancing with one. So next time, bring along a group of friends, of both sexes, and you'll have a great time.

Follow my advice, drink responsibly, and you can't go wrong.

Until next time...

Marge Bares All

America's longest running sitcom, animated program AND longest running primetime entertainment series has changed forever. The show which people all over the world have fond memories of putting their feet up, clearing their cluttered and stressed minds, as the world paused for a glorious half-hour, to delve into the strange four-fingered world. The well-loved series began as a sketch on the Tracy Ullman Show, later becoming its own series in 1989.

From cartoonist Matt Groening's mind, the world was introduced to the colorful Simpson family, consisting of Maggie, Marge, Lisa, Homer and Bart. It was a gift that the world embraced openly, the show becoming an instant hit. Its place in pop-culture was cemented, even being referenced by then President George H. W. Bush. Bart's catchphrase "¡Ay caramba!" became a household fixture, and commonplace throughout society. However, it was father Homer Simpson's catchphrase "D'oh!" which the world embraced with open arms. This love for the catchphrase couldn't be ignored forever, and was finally introduced to the New Oxford Dictionary of English in 1998. In 2001, this same catchphrase was added to the world's most respectable dictionary, the Oxford English Dictionary.

The show has made a huge impact on the world, but today an announcement was made which shook the world over. Today, it was announced that our beloved second mother, Marge Simpson, was to pose for the gentlemen's magazine Playboy. Not only is Marge to pose for the magazine, but she is to be featured on the cover. It is hard to ignore the impact that this successful series has had on all of us is undeniable, and we can only speculate what the world is going to be treated to next as the series enters its 21st season.